The Badlands Ballad

Inspiration: Trigun Badlands
THE BADLANDS BALLAD
“Hey, kid,” A voice called to him.
Isaac looked up to see a tall man in a dark navy blue coat and black hat towering above him.
“Ugh, what is it? Whaddyou want?” Isaac mumbled, drowsy and still half asleep from his nap.
“Well, nothin’, really, just wanted to know if you knew where I could find Isaac Bledsoe.”
“Why?”
“Well, see, I served with his father, Jeff, during the war, and recently Jeff died. But before he died he asked me to look after his son until he was old enough to live on his own.”
Isaac jumped up with surprise. “Really?! You served with my father?!”
The man responded with a surprised and worried look.
“Oh, uh,” Isaac said, trying to compose himself, “I mean, what makes you think he’s here?”
The man gave an agitated look. “Look kid,” he said, “Are you Isaac Bledsoe, or not?”
“YES! NOW PUT ME DOWN ALREADY!”
The man let go and Isaac fell with thud.
“So, uh, you said you served with my father during the war, is that true?” Isaac asked, wiping the dirt of his clothes.
“Yeah,” the man said, his face suddenly depressed.
“Oh wow!” Isaac said excitedly, “That’s amazing!”
A sudden realization came to Isaac.
“But wait, was what you said about him dying also true?” Isaac said with a worried look on his face.
The man knelt down to meet eyes with Isaac. “I’m afraid so. Your father, Jeff Bledsoe, is dead.”
Isaac slowly began to cry at the death of his beloved father.
“OW!” The man suddenly yelled, “WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?!”
Isaac peered over his shoulder to see a beautiful young woman standing behind the man. She was wearing a pair of black shorts and a green t-shirt. Her hair was as black as, well, nothing is that black. It was as though she somehow had hair that was darker than black. But her eyes were an emerald green. She also had in her hand an umbrella. But she also looked mad. Very mad.
“God dammit Alex!” she yelled, the fury in her eyes giving her the appearance of a vengeful demon, “Don’t you think you could’ve broken the news to him a little more gently?!”
“What were you expecting, Joy?!” The man, Alex, yelled as he stood up to face her.
As their eyes met, they locked foreheads together and stared intently, as if they were waging a war with their eyes.
Out of nowhere another woman, more beautiful than the first, stepped out from behind the two. She was wearing a yellow sun dress, had red-orange hair with bright blue eyes, and a warm smile on her face.
“Hi sweetie,” she said to Isaac, gently grabbing his hands, “My name is Kate. This man right here in the coat is my husband, Alex. The woman he’s having an intense yet silent argument that seems like could decide the fate of the world with is Joy.”
As soon as Kate spoke, it seemed as though the entire area was in a state of tranquil peace that would last forever.
“H- Hi Kate,” Isaac sobbed.
“Oh, please don’t cry,” Kate said, hugging him, “Just know that everything is going to be alright from here on out now that we’re here, okay?”
“O- Okay,” Isaac whimpered as he hugged her back.
Alex looked onto the scene with a sense of… something… it was a feeling he didn’t recognize by name, but knew he had felt before.
“C’mon, kid” Alex said, kneeling down to pat Isaac on the back, “Let’s go pack up your stuff.”
Isaac let out a sob. “But I don’t have any stuff.”
All at the same time and in perfect sync, Kate, Alex, and Joy each became confused beyond reasoning.
“Uh-“Joy stuttered, “But then what is this place?” She said, gesturing to the door of the building they were standing outside of.
The building itself was definitely nothing to be marveled at. It looked as though it were straight out of a documentary about the Wild West. This seemed hurtfully stereotypical, as they were in the middle of a great big dessert, with no sign of civilization anywhere, except for the city silhouetted against the sunset on the horizon.
“This is just some old hunting cabin that I always use to hide.”
This seemed to puzzle the trio even more.
“Hey, boss,” Blake called out as he and Kevin walked up towards the cabin, “we checked the surrounding area like you said, but there doesn’t seem to be anyone else here.”
“Ugh,” Alex sighed in frustration, “What do you mean ‘hunting cabin’? There’s no way there’s anything on this desert planet that could be hunted.”
“Um actually,” Kevin interjected, “This planet wasn’t always like this.”
“Who the hell are you?” Joy said, her hand over her eye patch, ready to fight.
“That’s Kevin Conary,” Alex answered.
“What?! You mean, that’s George’s son?!” Joy exclaimed.
“Yep,” Blake said.
“Ugh, taking in two kids in one day, are you serious?” Joy complained.
“Well, look on the bright side,” Kate said.
“Well?” Joy responded.
“Oh, y’know, I honestly can’t think of one right now,” Kate giggled.
“ERRRR!” Joy moaned, then walked away saying, “Fucking bullshit brats.”
“Oh!” Alex said, “I just realized! Kevin! You live on this planet.”
“Uh, yeah, that’s kind of obvious,” Kevin mumbled under his breath.
“So, do you know this kid?” Alex asked.
Kevin stared intently at Isaac before moving up for a closer look.
“Uh, no, can’t say I’ve seen him before.”
“Damn. So then you don’t know where he actually lives, then, huh,” Alex said.
“Oh, well don’t have a home,” Isaac explained.
“What?!” They all exclaimed in surprise except for Blake.
“Well, see, when my Mom died, my Dad started acting different. Then, one night, he said he was going to go to the bar to ask if anyone could provide him with a job to help pay the bills, but he never came home. Eventually some men in suits came to my house and told me that I had to leave. So, I came here, where I usually played with my friends. I’ve been all alone out here ever since.”
“I see,” Alex said, “Well, you’re not anymore. C’mon, let’s go.”
“Uh, sir,” Blake interjected.
“Dammit Blake, can’tcha see I’m tryin’ to have a moment here?!” Alex said.
“But sir, those men in suits were probably the IRS coming to reclaim everything that Jeff owned, meaning-“
“Meaning Jeff’s debts probably haven’t been repayed,” Alex said, finishing Blake’s sentence.
“Well what makes you think that?” Kevin asked.
“Well,” Blake said, “If Jeff had had any relatives, they probably would’ve heard about Jeff’s disappearance, and would’ve come to take care of Isaac already. You see, the Jeff started years ago. So, since no family has been contacted yet, he must have none. Meaning there was no one to repay his debts.”
“Started? Started what?” Kevin asked.
“Never mind that. What’s important right now is that we repay those debts for him. Or else they’ll be given to Isaac as soon as he turns 18, only it’ll cost more due to interest,” Alex said.
“But wait,” Kevin said, “Who the hell is this Jeff you keep talking about?”
“Jeff Bledsoe,” Alex said.
Kevin immediately knew who they were speaking of.

Years ago, a man named Geoff Bledsoe was walking home from the bar drunk off his ass. He was seething with rage at the fact that none of the people whom he thought were his friends had agreed to lone him some money so that he could take care of his son. But while he was walking home, he came across those same people who dared to call themselves his ‘friends’.
“Ehehe,” he laughed maniacally, “Hey guys.”
They all turned around to see him holding a piece of glass tightly in his hand.
“CHECK IT OUT, I FOUND A SHIV, BITCH!” he yelled before lunging at the closest man and tackling him to the ground. He then began stabbing the man, over and over again.
In total, he stabbed each of the three men 37 times in the chest.
After that night, he had a very high bounty of 45 million bitcoins on his head. A bounty given to him by the government for killing 3 senators.

As soon as Kevin came to this realization, ha was about to argue against paying the man’s debts, when he saw that Alex’s eyes were glued to him.
Alex was giving Kevin a look that said “I swear to god, you’d better shut your fucking mouth now before I rip it off, boil it, mash it, stick it in a stew, and serve it at a fancy restaurant to some rich assholes, saying some bullshit like ‘it’s a French delicacy’.”
Scared for his life, Kevin kept his mouth shut.
“Alright, now let’s go into that city, find the bank Geoff used, and repay his debts,” Alex said heroically.
“Sir, we don’t even have enough money,” Blake pointed out.
“What do you mean?”
“Well sir,” Blake continued, “By my estimates, Geoff was probably at least 34 million bitcoins in debt.”
“WHAT?!” Alex yelled, “WE DON’T HAVE THAT KIND OF MONEY! Oh! Yes we do! We just got 45 million bitcoins for, uh, that last job we did. Yeah, y’know, that one, haha,” Alex laughed nervously.
“But Alex,” Kate whispered in his ear, “That was 45 million bitcoins if we caught Geoff alive, and 30 if dead.”
“Hey,” Joy interjected, shouting from a few dozen yards away over at the ship, “Maybe those guys could spare some cash!”
Everyone turned to look where Joy was pointing, only to see a plume of dust coming their way. But it was what was causing the plume of dust that really worried the group.
It was a large group of people, most likely thieves, that seemed to be very hungry.
As the thieves drew closer, Alex noticed that they had a tank.
“OH SHIT!” Kevin yelled, before cowering behind Blake.
Blake grabbed the handle of one of the swords on his belt and popped it out a few inches, ready to fight.
“Stand down, Blake,” Alex said as he walked away from the cabin and towards the oncoming gang, “I’ve got this.”
The moment the thieves arrived, the tank parked horizontally from Alex, as if providing cover to the thieves on foot. But suddenly, two more tanks appeared from out of the dust plume, and took positions on either side of the first tank.
Alex grinned with excitement.
Suddenly, the first tank’s hood popped open, and out stepped a man clad in a brown cloak. He had brown hair and brown eyes, as well as a brown mustache.
The man hopped off the tank, and swaggered up to face Alex.
“So,” the man said, “You’re Alex Maynord. Hmph. I imagined you to be… more muscular.”
“And who might you be?” Alex demanded.
“Hahaha! I’m glad you asked! I am the great and powerful Keith!” The man boasted.
Joy covered her mouth to hide her smile, but still giggled at the man. She then broke into full laughter.
“WHAT’S SO FUNNY?!” Keith shouted.
“It’s just, your name is Keith! I mean, can you honestly imagine someone saying ‘Oh, watch out for that Keith! He’ll getcha!’ And actually being serious?” Joy said.
“So then, Keith,” Alex interjected, “What is it exactly that you want?”
“RESPECT GOD DAMMIT!” Keith yelled, his face now less than an inch away from Alex’s, “It’s people like that bitch over there that really piss me off! I’ve never been able to get respect from anyone thanks to this god awful name my mother gave me.”
“Well then why don’t you just go by a nickname or something?” Kevin suggested.
“DAMMIT! THAT’S NOT GOOD ENOUGH! I WANT PEOPLE TO RESPECT AND FEAR ME BY MY REAL NAME, KEITH HUMPERDINK!”
With this revelation, Joy, Kevin, Isaac, and Kate all burst into uncontrollable laughter.
“Hahaha! His last name is Humperdink!” Joy burst out while laughing.
“Well then tell me, Mr. Humperdink, if no one respects you, then who the hell are all of these guys?” Alex asked, gesturing to all the men around the tanks.
“Why these are my men of course! They also bear the same burden that I do!” Keith answered.
“You mean they’re all named Keith, too?” Alex asked.
“Er, well, sort of. Some of them are named Keith, but others just had parents who were complete assholes and decided to name their children ridiculous things. Like Hugh over here,” Keith said while pointing to the front of the tank.
“Uh, who?” Alex pondered.
“Wha? Oh, right sorry, Hugh’s one of our tank drivers. HEY HUGH! WHY DON’T YA COME OUT HERE AND INTRODUCE YOURSELF!”
Suddenly, a man’s head popped out of the entrance. He had a very burly and almost comical black mustache, along with several black streaks of grease across his face.
“Hi! I’m Hugh Janus! Nice ta meet ya!” The man said.
Joy and Kevin now burst out in laughter, complaining that their sides were hurting.
“Oh, please, no more, you’re killing me,” Kevin said.
Hugh then started crying and yelled, “I HATE YOU GUYS!” before crawling back inside of the tank.
“NO! HUGH, WAIT!” Keith yelled, “GAH! NOW LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE! YOU’LL PAY FOR THIS!”
Keith pulled out from his belt his revolver and pointed it straight at Alex’s face.
With this, everyone got quiet.
“WAIT! BOSS!” A voice called from inside one of the tanks, “Are you sure you wanna do that?! That’s the guy who was able to defeat ‘Jagged’ Jeff Bledsoe! He killed the guy without even breaking a sweat!”
“AH! WHAT?!” Keith yelled, “THAT CAN’T BE!”
“NO, BOSS, IT’S TRUE!” Another voice called out.
Keith’s legs began to shake in fear.
“Still wanna shoot me?” Alex said, “Go ahead, try it. I fucking dare you.”
“Eh, ah, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! FUCK YOU!!!” Keith then pulled the trigger, put the gun was for some reason pointing upwards now.
“AH! WHAT THE-“ Keith managed to say before Alex sent him flying.
What Alex had done was, just before he pulled the trigger, Alex ducked down, hi kicked Keith’s hand so the gun was pointing upwards, punched Keith in the leg, then headbutted Keith in the chest as he fell, sending Keith flying backwards towards the tank, and the revolver spinning away in the opposite direction.
“SIR!” Hugh yelled as he jumped out, grabbed Keith, and pulled him back into the tank.
“EVERYBODY FALL BACK!!” Keith ordered.
Suddenly, the tanks had driven away leaving nothing but a cloud of dust.
Kate was distracted by the fighting, and wasn’t paying attention to the fact that Isaac had run out to grab the revolver.
As soon as Alex turned around, he saw Isaac standing there, 10 feet in front of him, pointing the gun at him.
“You,” Isaac said, “It was you, wasn’t it. IT WAS YOU WHO KILLED MY FATHER!” Isaac fired the gun at Alex, but missed completely.
“Heh,” Alex said, dipping his head, “You’re right. And you should’ve seen it too, the way he was begging for mercy like a coward,” Alex said as he slowly began to walk towards Isaac.
“STAY AWAY FROM ME YOU JACKASS!” Isaac yelled as he fired another bullet, this time shooting off Alex’s hat.
“What is he doing?” Kevin said.
“Leave him be. He knows exactly how to handle these kinds of situations,” Blake said.
“MY FATHER WAS NOT A COWARD!” Isaac yelled as he fired off another bullet, this time grazing Alex’s cheek, and making him bleed.
Alex looked up at Isaac, and what Isaac saw still haunts him to this day. He saw Alex in his most feared look, the look of a demon.
“OH, BUT HE WAS!” Alex screamed, as though he were a psychopath, “That man loved to shank people from behind before stealing their money and defiling their corpses!”
“YOU SHUT UP! MY FATHER WOULD NEVER DO SUCH A THING!” Isaac yelled as he fired yet another bullet, this time grazing Alex’s ear.
“Oh, but alas he did,” Alex cheered in an Irish accent, “I’m terribly sorry, young lad, but I’m afraid that after the war, yer precious papa still had a taste far blood, one that made him fall into a deep depression over.”
“SHUT UP!!” Isaac yelled before firing the gun, this time nailing Alex in the chest.
Alex now grabbed Isaac by his collar, pulled him up to his face, and said in his original voice, “Oh, NOW I get it. Little boy wanna play creepy pasta roleplay, is it? JUST YOUR FATHER! But what’re you going to do next, hmm?!”
Isaac took that bottom of the handle, and swung it at the side of Alex’s head, but Alex stopped him by grabbing his hand. He then let go of Isaac and let him drop to the ground.
Alex took the revolver, pointed it at Isaac’s head, and pulled the trigger.
CLICK.
Alex threw the gun away.
“And that’s exactly what got that dumb bastard killed. He became so immersed in his own little fantasy world that he just started killing, raping, and maiming whenever he pleased.”
Alex then went to go pick up his hat. But as soon as he did so, he said, “But you listen, and you listen good, kid. If you wanna be like your dear old dad and become a psychopath, fine by me. It’ll just give me another bounty to round up, thus putting more money in my pocket. Just make sure that you don’t also kill your wife, like he did.”
“No,” Isaac said, crying, “No, that can’t be true. He told me she died because a poisonous snake bit her.”
“Oh, that reminds me. Isaac, when you grow up, just make sure you remember these two important things: Don’t trust anything you hear, and no matter what anybody does, there is never any rest for the wicked.”
And with that, the crew flew off the planet, with their new crew member, Kevin, on board.